Eli Braden's Unofficial iTunes Celebrity Playlist (from the Archives: Oct. 2006)

I LOVE iTunes' "Celebrity Playlist" feature. I can judge someone's entire character based on what songs they include in their playlist. For instance, Jon Heder (a/k/a Napoleon Dynamite)? Cool dude. Lots of awesome obscure tracks from great bands, but enough "guilty pleasures" to let you know he's not trying to overly impress you with his record collection (like that kid from "The O.C.") ... However, Miss Universe 2006? (her name is Zuleyka Rivera, but you'll never need to know that) Not so cool. I think she just copy-and-pasted the Billboard Top 10 the week she made her playlist.

Thanks to the iTunes Celebrity Playlist feature, I can also make grand sweeping statements like: Hardly Any Black People Like Any White Music At All, But Every White Person Loves Tons Of Black Music. Don't believe me? Check out some iTunes' Celebrity Playlists, dude.

I'm just bummed because they haven't asked PISTOL OPERA to do a Celebrity Playlist yet. I mean, seriously, Ashley Parker Angel Music Baby (or whatever his name is) over US?!? What the fuck?!?

So without further ado, I'll get things rolling with the Eli Braden From Pistol Opera Unofficial iTunes Celebrity Playlist. I'll get the other fellas in the band to do theirs soon (by the way, I've got five bucks that says Toby's is at least one-third Van Halen), but mine will be the best anyway, so ENJOY ...

"Don't Phunk With My Heart" - Black Eyed Peas ... I'll start by going out on a limb with a MAJOR guilty pleasure. This song rules, but I gotta be honest: I wouldn't "phunk" Fergie with Congressman Mark Foley's dick. Aren't you supposed to wait until you're 40 before you start pumping industrial-strength doses of Botox into every living pore? What a freaky-deak.

"Maggot Brain" - Funkadelic ... When my kid turns 16, I'm gonna yank him out of school, feed him a tab of LSD and put this on repeat. THAT'll show him!

"Mask" - Iggy Pop ... No disrespect to Bob Dylan, but this song is the ULTIMATE fusion of rock and poetry. It sounds like it was recorded on a handheld tape recorder, and is so ferocious it would make those "punkers" Good Charlotte run crying back up inside their mommy's womb. He was in his FIFTIES when he made this, which just goes to show: if you're a huge-dicked Jew from Detroit who spent 25 years doing coke and heroin, you should probably ... um ... I forgot where I was going with that ...

"Jesus To a Child" - George Michael ... Georgie-Boy is SO under-rated and basically every album he's made since America forgot who he was has been amazing. This breathtaking tear-jerker is about watching his boyfriend die of AIDS. Top THAT, straight people!

"The Art Teacher" - Rufus Wainwright ... I just realized I've entered the "Gay Interlude" of my Celebrity Playlist. Why do gay people make so much better music than breeders lately? It's kinda like how every hot new young rock band are sober Mormons from Nevada. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK?!?

"American Life" - Madonna ... OK, Madonna's not "gay" per se, but you know what I mean. Her last 3 CD's have been off-the-hook awesome dance records, seriously. There's lots of great songs on each one, but I just picked this track because it's the one where she raps about "I drink a soy latte / I do yoga and pilates" etc.

"Return to Oz" - Scissor Sisters ... Now, THESE guys are GAY. Remember that thing a few years ago about how weird it was that the best rapper was white (Eminem) and the best golfer was black (Tiger Woods)? Well, I kinda feel that way about this: "How come the best classic rock song about doing drugs is by a gay disco band?"

"Pretty Tied Up" - Guns n' Roses ... Yeah yeah yeah we all know "Appetite For Destruction" rules but I maintain that if they'd edited the THIRTY songs on "Use Your Illusion 1 & 2" down to the 12 best, it woulda been their masterpiece. This tune is the sound of L.A. snorting itself up it's own decaying nostrils.

"Forgot About Dre" - Dr. Dre featuring Eminem ... The new "Ebony and Ivory" ...

"Toxic" - Britney Spears ... I was driving thru Hollywood the other night blasting this, and some wasted girl jumped onto my hood at a stop light and yelled "BRITNEY!" ... That NEVER would have happened if I was playing Modest Mouse.

"Venus in Furs" - Velvet Underground & Nico ... I lost my virginity to this song. She was ten years older than me. That's AWESOMELY HOT when you're 18, however NOT so sexy at MY age ("Stop! I threw out my hip again!") ...

"Boys of Summer" - Don Henley ... This song still takes me back to being in high school and girls treating me like shit ... For some reason I enjoy that feeling.

"Independence Day" - Elliott Smith ... At first you're like, "This is great, but dude, get over yourself." Then you find out he stuck a steak knife in his heart and you're all like, "Oof!"

नमस्ते!