I'm Totally Gay For Barack Obama

I’m a straight dude. A very straight dude. In fact, I can attest to having thoroughly enjoyed the heterosexual intercourse experience in my time, and, to prove it, I am the proud owner of one human child (that I KNOW of … heh heh heh).

But something about this Barack Obama character is leading me to question my long-standing sexuality. Have I been living in denial all these years? Is THIS the reason I still think the Pet Shop Boys are awesome two decades after “West End Girls”? Could I possibly be (gasp) “a gay”?

I was down with Hillary early on in the ‘08 campaign. Mild “Clinton nostalgia” aside, I like her on many levels. She’s intelligent and savvy. She knows her stuff. She moved to New York and won over a whole slew of folks who probably couldn’t stand her a few months earlier. Respek!

Plus, she’s tough as nails, and that’s probably the most crucial quality to become the first woman president. She’s got the steel gut necessary to withstand the body blow barrage in store for whoever cracks that glass ceiling.

And I’ve been digging on Barack since he’s been on the scene, too, but I figured, “Perfect V.P. – and he’ll have his chance a few years down the line.” But after paying closer attention to recent political goings-on, I’m changing my tune.

Maybe I’m blinded by man-love, but all of a sudden I’m feeling, in all honesty, that if we as Americans pass up this opportunity to elect Barack Obama as our president in 2008, there’s a fundamental illness in our collective body and soul.

Why? Well, just look at him – he’s cool as shit! His smile is pure white light. His voice is hot buttered soul. His skin is Grandma’s apple butter. His suits are groovy; his hair is rad (although I’d love to see him rock the high top Kid n’ Play fade at some point). His wife rules (have you heard this lady speak?), and their daughters are the cutest little buttons you ever did see. Plus his stump speech makes every other candidate in the race look like a petty, self-absorbed amateur. I swoon like a teeny-bopping bobby soxer every time the B pops up on CNN.

But while all this is true, the real reason I’m hooking up an I.V. of the Obama Kool-Aid is because after watching and listening to him extensively, I truly believe this man could be a GREAT LEADER. We haven’t had a great leader in this country for a long, long time, and I suspect many of us don’t even know what it means anymore. I know I don’t. But Obama makes me feel like maybe I could.

I’ve always wondered what was with the jizz-fest over JFK. He was the philandering son of a criminal zillionaire who essentially bought him the presidency with bootleg money and tricks even shadier than the Bushes’ Florida hijinks. What of significance did he do during his short time in office other than bone Marilyn and get shot? They had to twist his arm to get him on board for civil rights. He appointed his under-qualified, narrow-minded, do-gooder brother to be Attorney General – talk about nepotism! And didn’t he START the Vietnam War?

But incidents chronicled in my ill-informed rant aside, I think maybe the reason people revere Kennedy so deeply to this day is that he truly was a GREAT LEADER. He inspired. He made America believe, and dared America to dream. He offered hope for tomorrow, not fear of it. He made people want to hang his photo in their living rooms. I think there’s more value in these things than all the “Washington experience” in the world.

I gotta be honest – I really don’t CARE about a candidate’s stand on every single issue that much. Maybe that sounds shallow, but how much do stated positions really have to do with how a president governs once in office? Remember Bush’s “no nation-building” bullshit? How far do you think John Edwards’ anti-corporate rampage would really fly before it splattered onto the windshield of Congressional realpolitik?

I think it’s time we elect a new kind of president; one we can trust not only to confront the unforeseeable problems that will no doubt befall us, but also to inspire and motivate us as a nation to solve those problems together. A president who will REALLY unite us rather than divide us, who will help build us up with the patriotic confidence to work towards a better tomorrow.

I think Barack Obama is a TRUE progressive; he's not just paying lip service to outdated baby-boomer liberal ideas to pacify the Democratic base. He strikes me as a candidate with vision and soul rather than perfectly calibrated position papers.

Yeah it’s pollyanna, but I believe in the guy. And hey, if he turns out to be a douche bag after all, I have the perfect defense for my endorsement: “What can I say? I was totally gay for him.” 'Cause love makes us do some crazy things.