Inspired by the brilliant Doug Benson's column "I Love Movies!" at www.handheldcomedy.com, here are my reviews of recent films I haven't seen (and never will):
The Bucket List – I guess Jack and Morgan can cross “star in a worthless piece of shit” off their bucket lists now.
I’m Not There – Neither is an audience.
Mad Money – Finally, a feature-length biopic about Jim Cramer.
Definitely, Maybe – The next word in this progression describes the chances of me going to see this piece of crap.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets – Secret #1: How Nic Cage went from being an awesome actor to an embarrassing tool.
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford – Did Fiona Apple come up with that title?
Atonement – Too bad the writers’ strike didn’t kick in before they started on this.
My Kid Could Paint That – Hell, your kid could DIRECT this.
There Will Be Blood – Thankfully, there will ALSO be another seven years before P.T. Anderson releases another bloated, over-rated epic.
Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead – This movie was on it’s way to video before the audience knew they released it.
No Country For Old Men – How many spoof porno titles can you come up with from this?
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
I'm Totally Gay For Barack Obama
I’m a straight dude. A very straight dude. In fact, I can attest to having thoroughly enjoyed the heterosexual intercourse experience in my time, and, to prove it, I am the proud owner of one human child (that I KNOW of … heh heh heh).
But something about this Barack Obama character is leading me to question my long-standing sexuality. Have I been living in denial all these years? Is THIS the reason I still think the Pet Shop Boys are awesome two decades after “West End Girls”? Could I possibly be (gasp) “a gay”?
I was down with Hillary early on in the ‘08 campaign. Mild “Clinton nostalgia” aside, I like her on many levels. She’s intelligent and savvy. She knows her stuff. She moved to New York and won over a whole slew of folks who probably couldn’t stand her a few months earlier. Respek!
Plus, she’s tough as nails, and that’s probably the most crucial quality to become the first woman president. She’s got the steel gut necessary to withstand the body blow barrage in store for whoever cracks that glass ceiling.
And I’ve been digging on Barack since he’s been on the scene, too, but I figured, “Perfect V.P. – and he’ll have his chance a few years down the line.” But after paying closer attention to recent political goings-on, I’m changing my tune.
Maybe I’m blinded by man-love, but all of a sudden I’m feeling, in all honesty, that if we as Americans pass up this opportunity to elect Barack Obama as our president in 2008, there’s a fundamental illness in our collective body and soul.
Why? Well, just look at him – he’s cool as shit! His smile is pure white light. His voice is hot buttered soul. His skin is Grandma’s apple butter. His suits are groovy; his hair is rad (although I’d love to see him rock the high top Kid n’ Play fade at some point). His wife rules (have you heard this lady speak?), and their daughters are the cutest little buttons you ever did see. Plus his stump speech makes every other candidate in the race look like a petty, self-absorbed amateur. I swoon like a teeny-bopping bobby soxer every time the B pops up on CNN.
But while all this is true, the real reason I’m hooking up an I.V. of the Obama Kool-Aid is because after watching and listening to him extensively, I truly believe this man could be a GREAT LEADER. We haven’t had a great leader in this country for a long, long time, and I suspect many of us don’t even know what it means anymore. I know I don’t. But Obama makes me feel like maybe I could.
I’ve always wondered what was with the jizz-fest over JFK. He was the philandering son of a criminal zillionaire who essentially bought him the presidency with bootleg money and tricks even shadier than the Bushes’ Florida hijinks. What of significance did he do during his short time in office other than bone Marilyn and get shot? They had to twist his arm to get him on board for civil rights. He appointed his under-qualified, narrow-minded, do-gooder brother to be Attorney General – talk about nepotism! And didn’t he START the Vietnam War?
But incidents chronicled in my ill-informed rant aside, I think maybe the reason people revere Kennedy so deeply to this day is that he truly was a GREAT LEADER. He inspired. He made America believe, and dared America to dream. He offered hope for tomorrow, not fear of it. He made people want to hang his photo in their living rooms. I think there’s more value in these things than all the “Washington experience” in the world.
I gotta be honest – I really don’t CARE about a candidate’s stand on every single issue that much. Maybe that sounds shallow, but how much do stated positions really have to do with how a president governs once in office? Remember Bush’s “no nation-building” bullshit? How far do you think John Edwards’ anti-corporate rampage would really fly before it splattered onto the windshield of Congressional realpolitik?
I think it’s time we elect a new kind of president; one we can trust not only to confront the unforeseeable problems that will no doubt befall us, but also to inspire and motivate us as a nation to solve those problems together. A president who will REALLY unite us rather than divide us, who will help build us up with the patriotic confidence to work towards a better tomorrow.
I think Barack Obama is a TRUE progressive; he's not just paying lip service to outdated baby-boomer liberal ideas to pacify the Democratic base. He strikes me as a candidate with vision and soul rather than perfectly calibrated position papers.
Yeah it’s pollyanna, but I believe in the guy. And hey, if he turns out to be a douche bag after all, I have the perfect defense for my endorsement: “What can I say? I was totally gay for him.” 'Cause love makes us do some crazy things.
But something about this Barack Obama character is leading me to question my long-standing sexuality. Have I been living in denial all these years? Is THIS the reason I still think the Pet Shop Boys are awesome two decades after “West End Girls”? Could I possibly be (gasp) “a gay”?
I was down with Hillary early on in the ‘08 campaign. Mild “Clinton nostalgia” aside, I like her on many levels. She’s intelligent and savvy. She knows her stuff. She moved to New York and won over a whole slew of folks who probably couldn’t stand her a few months earlier. Respek!
Plus, she’s tough as nails, and that’s probably the most crucial quality to become the first woman president. She’s got the steel gut necessary to withstand the body blow barrage in store for whoever cracks that glass ceiling.
And I’ve been digging on Barack since he’s been on the scene, too, but I figured, “Perfect V.P. – and he’ll have his chance a few years down the line.” But after paying closer attention to recent political goings-on, I’m changing my tune.
Maybe I’m blinded by man-love, but all of a sudden I’m feeling, in all honesty, that if we as Americans pass up this opportunity to elect Barack Obama as our president in 2008, there’s a fundamental illness in our collective body and soul.
Why? Well, just look at him – he’s cool as shit! His smile is pure white light. His voice is hot buttered soul. His skin is Grandma’s apple butter. His suits are groovy; his hair is rad (although I’d love to see him rock the high top Kid n’ Play fade at some point). His wife rules (have you heard this lady speak?), and their daughters are the cutest little buttons you ever did see. Plus his stump speech makes every other candidate in the race look like a petty, self-absorbed amateur. I swoon like a teeny-bopping bobby soxer every time the B pops up on CNN.
But while all this is true, the real reason I’m hooking up an I.V. of the Obama Kool-Aid is because after watching and listening to him extensively, I truly believe this man could be a GREAT LEADER. We haven’t had a great leader in this country for a long, long time, and I suspect many of us don’t even know what it means anymore. I know I don’t. But Obama makes me feel like maybe I could.
I’ve always wondered what was with the jizz-fest over JFK. He was the philandering son of a criminal zillionaire who essentially bought him the presidency with bootleg money and tricks even shadier than the Bushes’ Florida hijinks. What of significance did he do during his short time in office other than bone Marilyn and get shot? They had to twist his arm to get him on board for civil rights. He appointed his under-qualified, narrow-minded, do-gooder brother to be Attorney General – talk about nepotism! And didn’t he START the Vietnam War?
But incidents chronicled in my ill-informed rant aside, I think maybe the reason people revere Kennedy so deeply to this day is that he truly was a GREAT LEADER. He inspired. He made America believe, and dared America to dream. He offered hope for tomorrow, not fear of it. He made people want to hang his photo in their living rooms. I think there’s more value in these things than all the “Washington experience” in the world.
I gotta be honest – I really don’t CARE about a candidate’s stand on every single issue that much. Maybe that sounds shallow, but how much do stated positions really have to do with how a president governs once in office? Remember Bush’s “no nation-building” bullshit? How far do you think John Edwards’ anti-corporate rampage would really fly before it splattered onto the windshield of Congressional realpolitik?
I think it’s time we elect a new kind of president; one we can trust not only to confront the unforeseeable problems that will no doubt befall us, but also to inspire and motivate us as a nation to solve those problems together. A president who will REALLY unite us rather than divide us, who will help build us up with the patriotic confidence to work towards a better tomorrow.
I think Barack Obama is a TRUE progressive; he's not just paying lip service to outdated baby-boomer liberal ideas to pacify the Democratic base. He strikes me as a candidate with vision and soul rather than perfectly calibrated position papers.
Yeah it’s pollyanna, but I believe in the guy. And hey, if he turns out to be a douche bag after all, I have the perfect defense for my endorsement: “What can I say? I was totally gay for him.” 'Cause love makes us do some crazy things.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Putting Crap on the Ritz
Kraft Foods thinks you’re an idiot.
We’ve all seen the recipes manufacturers often print on packaged food containers: directions for making a tasty cheesecake crust with crushed Honey Grahams, for example. Some are elaborate and ambitious culinary wonders; others are just simple and creative serving suggestions. But today I bought a box of Ritz crackers emblazoned with what may be the most inane food preparation literature I’ve ever seen in print.
There are two “recipes” printed on the back: one for “Peanut Butter & Apple RITZ” and another for “Apple Cheddar Snacks.” Mmm, those sound yummy! But wait – what exotic ingredients will I need to immediately purchase at the grocer’s in order to enjoy some “Peanut Butter & Apple RITZ” this mid-afternoon? And how long will I have to slave over a hot stove to ensure there are “Apple Cheddar Snacks” a-plenty on the coffee table in time for the big game this evening? Thank God Kraft Foods printed recipes for both right here on the box!
Under the heading “Ritz It Up” (I personally think “Show Us Your Ritz” would’ve been better, but whatever), the box reads:
Peanut Butter & Apple RITZ:
PREP TIME: 5 minutes TOTAL TIME: 5 minutes
MAKES: 3 servings, one topped cracker each.
SPREAD each of 3 RITZ Crackers with 2 teaspoons peanut butter. Top with 2 thin apple slices. Enjoy!
I’m sorry, but is that the most absurdly elaborate and formal description of how to apply toppings to a cracker (which is what they’re for, after all) ever or WHAT? What’s wrong with, “Try a Ritz with peanut butter and an apple slice”, for poop’s sake?
And does it REALLY take five whole minutes “prep time” to top three little crackers with peanut butter and apple? Only if you’re wasting precious moments of your brief life measuring out EXACTLY two teaspoons of PB per cracker and cutting each regular-sized apple slice into two separate and distinct THIN ones (a CRUCIAL detail, mind you) before you pop the whole thing into your mouth in one fell swoop (which is all you get, Tubby – don’t forget: a “serving” is only ONE Peanut Butter and Apple Ritz!)
There are similarly lengthy instructions for preparing “Apple Cheddar Snacks” (which is – yeah, you guessed it – cheddar cheese and apple slices on a Ritz) where they also manage to get in a plug for CRACKER BARREL Sharp Cheddar Cheese (which I can only assume Kraft also produces), apparently the ONLY brand with which one can prepare an OFFICIAL “RITZ Apple Cheddar Snack.”
The box features a photo with samples of both tasty-ass treats placed appetizingly on an elegant bone-white china plate, with the bold disclaimer “ENLARGED TO SHOW DETAIL.” Oh really?!? I’d assumed, based on the picture, that a Ritz cracker had roughly the same diameter as my 45rpm vinyl copy of Buckner and Garcia’s 1982 hit “Pac Man Fever” (b/w “Frogger’s Lament”). Thanks for clearing that up, Kraft Foods’ art department shit-heads!
At the bottom, “the small print” informs you that nutrition information for both these savory taste sensations can be found at www.ritzcrackers.com, a website which also boasts a “Tell a Friend” feature where you can enter up to four email addresses – just to ensure ALL your buddies are kept up-to-date on the “news” that “Ritz is better than ever!” Now THAT’s utilizing the information superhighway to it’s fullest!
In closing, I’d just like to say: Thanks, Kraft Foods – for taking blatant corporate shilling for a Goddamn CRACKER to new lows both jaw-droppingly condescending AND mind-numbingly stupid! Yay Corporate America!
We’ve all seen the recipes manufacturers often print on packaged food containers: directions for making a tasty cheesecake crust with crushed Honey Grahams, for example. Some are elaborate and ambitious culinary wonders; others are just simple and creative serving suggestions. But today I bought a box of Ritz crackers emblazoned with what may be the most inane food preparation literature I’ve ever seen in print.
There are two “recipes” printed on the back: one for “Peanut Butter & Apple RITZ” and another for “Apple Cheddar Snacks.” Mmm, those sound yummy! But wait – what exotic ingredients will I need to immediately purchase at the grocer’s in order to enjoy some “Peanut Butter & Apple RITZ” this mid-afternoon? And how long will I have to slave over a hot stove to ensure there are “Apple Cheddar Snacks” a-plenty on the coffee table in time for the big game this evening? Thank God Kraft Foods printed recipes for both right here on the box!
Under the heading “Ritz It Up” (I personally think “Show Us Your Ritz” would’ve been better, but whatever), the box reads:
Peanut Butter & Apple RITZ:
PREP TIME: 5 minutes TOTAL TIME: 5 minutes
MAKES: 3 servings, one topped cracker each.
SPREAD each of 3 RITZ Crackers with 2 teaspoons peanut butter. Top with 2 thin apple slices. Enjoy!
I’m sorry, but is that the most absurdly elaborate and formal description of how to apply toppings to a cracker (which is what they’re for, after all) ever or WHAT? What’s wrong with, “Try a Ritz with peanut butter and an apple slice”, for poop’s sake?
And does it REALLY take five whole minutes “prep time” to top three little crackers with peanut butter and apple? Only if you’re wasting precious moments of your brief life measuring out EXACTLY two teaspoons of PB per cracker and cutting each regular-sized apple slice into two separate and distinct THIN ones (a CRUCIAL detail, mind you) before you pop the whole thing into your mouth in one fell swoop (which is all you get, Tubby – don’t forget: a “serving” is only ONE Peanut Butter and Apple Ritz!)
There are similarly lengthy instructions for preparing “Apple Cheddar Snacks” (which is – yeah, you guessed it – cheddar cheese and apple slices on a Ritz) where they also manage to get in a plug for CRACKER BARREL Sharp Cheddar Cheese (which I can only assume Kraft also produces), apparently the ONLY brand with which one can prepare an OFFICIAL “RITZ Apple Cheddar Snack.”
The box features a photo with samples of both tasty-ass treats placed appetizingly on an elegant bone-white china plate, with the bold disclaimer “ENLARGED TO SHOW DETAIL.” Oh really?!? I’d assumed, based on the picture, that a Ritz cracker had roughly the same diameter as my 45rpm vinyl copy of Buckner and Garcia’s 1982 hit “Pac Man Fever” (b/w “Frogger’s Lament”). Thanks for clearing that up, Kraft Foods’ art department shit-heads!
At the bottom, “the small print” informs you that nutrition information for both these savory taste sensations can be found at www.ritzcrackers.com, a website which also boasts a “Tell a Friend” feature where you can enter up to four email addresses – just to ensure ALL your buddies are kept up-to-date on the “news” that “Ritz is better than ever!” Now THAT’s utilizing the information superhighway to it’s fullest!
In closing, I’d just like to say: Thanks, Kraft Foods – for taking blatant corporate shilling for a Goddamn CRACKER to new lows both jaw-droppingly condescending AND mind-numbingly stupid! Yay Corporate America!
Saturday, January 5, 2008
How the Candidates are Spending the Weekend
Friday night, Obama, Edwards, and Clinton were presented gold, silver, and bronze Iowa caucus medals by Princess Leia in an elaborate awards ceremony on Yavin IV, while Republican contenders put aside their differences long enough to team up and help with the Britney Spears intervention. But how are presidential candidates spending the REST of this weekend?
Mitt Romney is devising several quick, deep changes of heart/position to better suit the needs of New Hampshire primary voters.
John Edwards is bemoaning the fact that America is just not ready for a rich white male President.
Rudy Giuliani is forcing a perma-smile and assuring all that everything's still A-OK on his journey to becoming "the nexth Prethident of the United Thtayth."
Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee are filming Harpo Productions' "48 Hours 3: Yet Another 48 Hours" with director Chuck Norris.
Ron Paul is announcing his campaign's new theme song: Notorious B.I.G.'s "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems."
Hillary Clinton is so despondent after her disappointing Iowa showing she's skipping her traditional Sunday afternoon 4-hour sex marathon with Bill.
Mike Bloomberg sits ... and waits ...
Mitt Romney is devising several quick, deep changes of heart/position to better suit the needs of New Hampshire primary voters.
John Edwards is bemoaning the fact that America is just not ready for a rich white male President.
Rudy Giuliani is forcing a perma-smile and assuring all that everything's still A-OK on his journey to becoming "the nexth Prethident of the United Thtayth."
Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee are filming Harpo Productions' "48 Hours 3: Yet Another 48 Hours" with director Chuck Norris.
Ron Paul is announcing his campaign's new theme song: Notorious B.I.G.'s "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems."
Hillary Clinton is so despondent after her disappointing Iowa showing she's skipping her traditional Sunday afternoon 4-hour sex marathon with Bill.
Mike Bloomberg sits ... and waits ...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
